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When your mind is so full of creativity and you just have to find your way or someone, not only yourself who believes in you …

I am sure all of us had some moments when we questioned ourselves about the next step to make in order to feel more gratified. Some times it is not even that but more deeply to actually wonder about the reason why we should even care about doing more. 

In the past I believed that as long as I had money to pay bills, buy expensive clothes and do something fun, I was ok. I remember that once a person read my handwriting and she pointed out the fact that I had a lot of potential and that I should just venture mysel more.

Over 8 years ago I changed continent and of course I had to deal with all the bureaucratic system and to find a new way of supporting myself in the new environment. I found something that is way more exciting than what I used to do. 

No matter that, I still question myself and I have been working on my inner, spiritual essence. In the last two years I have progressed deeply, but there is always a sort of dissatisfaction that pushes me to do more, makes me complain about myself, and try something new. However, with the excitement comes also the fear but most of all the big question? What the heck am I doing this when all I want is maybe just to be naked at the beach? 

Somebody says that as long we have fun doing what we are doing, we are already on the right path. Day by day we get caught in a circle of interrogative sentences that nobody can answer but us. However, those questions will only find an answer when their time comes. 

Do things not for the outcome but for the pleasure. Am I writing this for me, for you or for whatsoever? I guess I’ll find out one day. 

Questions: getting closer

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? My niece MIMI

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way? I want to be a famous photographer/singer/actor

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why? Not all the time. Only if it is for something professional.

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you? Gym, sun, museum, sex, dinner, sex.

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? Tonight in the car. Today when I posted a video.

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want? I would retain the mind.

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? I always thought that I will burn.

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common. Love for music, certain values, love for friends.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? My health.

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? I would love my parents to love me the way I am.

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible. This is the story of a crazy guy who went through some hard times, but always showed that nothing is the end.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be? Be able to learn other languages very easily.

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? I would love to know if my nieces and nephew will live close to me. I would desire to know if one day I could finally find peace inside me.

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? I dreamed about having a night full of sex without moderation.

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? My attempt to be myself no matter what others think about me.

16. What do you value most in a friendship? Being there in the good but most of all in the bad

17. What is your most treasured memory? Sitting on a bench and looking at the sea.

18. What is your most terrible memory? When my mom died.

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why? I do not know, maybe. I will travel as much as possible.

20. What does friendship mean to you? Everything.

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life? They play an important role because we all want to be loved.

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.Outgoing, intelligent, talented, lovely, sweet.

23. How close and warm is your family? Not to close or warm.Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s? A little bit.

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? I loved her.

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “ we had some good and bad memories. We went through storms and we survived. We supported each other and try to love each other unconditionally

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share some artistic moments”.

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know. They would need to know how important to me is to be accepted the way I am and the choices that I make without any judgement.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met. I like the fact that he risked for our relationship.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life. When I peed in my pants when I was a kid.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? I don’t remember. I cried by myself a couple of weeks ago.

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already. The desire to surprise me

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? Death, diseases.

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet? To my family and friends how much I truly care and love them. I already did.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why? My laptop because it has all my pictures.

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why? My nieces and nephew because they are so young.

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen. To be honest and not be judged because of that.

Just Focus

Everybody has some skeletons in the closet and more or less internal issues to deal with. Consequently, people face them in many different ways and as life is made of various cycles, all the several methods applied vary during our adventure on this earth.

My family has numerous examples of addiction: alcohol, drugs, shopping, unhealthy work habits, eating disorder and more. I guess that all the families have somehow similar stories. Personally, I am not here for preaching how good or perfect I am because I am not as nobody is. It is mostly that I want to share my experiences, what I learned from them, and I am still grasping. I have two nieces and a nephew and if I could, I would love them to read this post, not because they should not experience life and what it brings, but just to have a different perspective about it.

Nowadays, I am in a state of mind that gives me the opportunity to control my eating habits, drinking and my life in general. Of course, some days are better than others, but generally speaking I am in control. However, for example a couple of weeks ago I went out for drinks and I had that extra glass of wine that I should not have got. As a consequence, I felt like poisoned and I came to the conclusion that my body is not used to it anymore and most of all I understood that my brain does not want it, either. I do not desire to be poisoned more than what I am already every single day by other things like air pollution, all different preservatives and electrical pollution. I am not proud of my past experiences, of those nights when drinking seemed the answer, sounded like fun just because other people were doing, or due to the fact that society promoted it. I had my exposure to this type of life, but it is a complete closed chapter. To me fun is not drinking, and consuming wine or alcoholic beverages should be simply limited, controlled for a good dinner or a social divertissement. Just go out one night and observe other consumers while you are completely lucid, at that specific moment you will see how all the different substances control them rather than being simple drinks; they become so influential because people gave them so much power.

Talking about food, here comes another interesting chapter of my life. I was a lazy kid with a lot of appetite and two diversive parents. We used to make fun of my mom because she was literally eating like a bird. Sometimes, she was playing with the food like kids do; it was not that she did not enjoy the good Italian food, but to her just a teeny-tiny portion was more than alright. So many times she used to give me her leftovers and because of that I was eating like a person and a half. On the contrary, my dad was voracious. Luckily, to his metabolism he could control his weight when he was younger, but later on he started to get bigger. Once in a while he was going on a strict diet and give up on fats, carbs, alcohol for a month, but then going back to the old him. For most of my childhood, I was a chubby kid, and most of my relatives used to squeeze my cheeks and saying how cute I was. Of course, I enjoyed food and people surrounding me seemed to get even more enjoyment at seeing me eating that way. This lasted until one day, when with a friend, we decided that we needed to lose weight and do some exercise. That summer we used to swim every day and we started eating much less than we used to. That was the beginning of my “anorexic phase”: I got skinnier and slimmer, and I was so proud of myself. My relatives and friends kept pointing out how tiny I looked, but to me it was more as a compliment than a worry. I was glad to look at myself in the mirror and see bones; I could wear skinny pants, tees, and I accomplished what somebody defined as “physique du rôle”. Later on, I started to be less obsessed with my weight, even though I still cared. Nowadays, I found a new passion: working out. It had actually begun around 11 years ago when I had commenced to run in my native town in Italy. Although I had tried to be committed to sports before, it had never really worked, but then I discovered that doing some exercise can as matter of fact help you not just getting in shape physically, but also mentally. Of course, this is not the ultimate thing and you still have to work on yourself and your issues. Notwithstanding, working out can actually give you a big kick in your butt towards the right direction. Certainly, as any other things, it should come with moderation.

As to being controlled and cautious, for a long time I was not at all about shopping. Of course, that was another behavior due to other issues, a sort of dissatisfaction, a desire to be recognized, to be distinctive, to be part of a group, while my bank account was getting smaller and my closet full of unnecessary clothes and accessories. Do I regret it? Well, certainly I do it somehow, but as with other aspects of my life I am glad I did because I got some experience from it. If you give me 1,000 dollars now, I will not go shopping, but I will probably leave town and do something fun. We surround ourselves of so many material things to fill all the voids of our heart and brain when we all know that experiences are truly what can make us better people. With this said, I do not mean that I hate shopping, but instead I am stating the fact that not only it should be moderate, but occasionally done and just when we really need to make that purchase.

My journey towards happiness, peace is not done, yet. Every day I am learning something new and I am setting healthy boundaries to myself and to my surroundings. I am not perfect, but I am growing.

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Peace

When I sit there In that weird position

I wish for peace

For me, you and 

The people that I love.
I go through 

All those awkward positions

With strange names.

I copy animal positions

I aim to the sky

I ask for forgiveness

And for eternal peace.
Every day

It is a growth.

I move towards

The light.

Will my heart

Be calm?

Will my brain

Be at rest?
I surround myself

Of positive vibes

I cover myself

With pure thoughts.
What is

The meaning of life?

What gives you 

The stillness of heart?
Love is always 

The answer.

You are love

And you reflect it!

  

Never Lose the Kid in You

I guess that everyone somehow and sometimes feels like he or she never actually grew up. In all the battles that every day we have to fight for, there are some moments when we feel like children again. It is such an incredible sensation and it makes you feel that no matter what the opinion people create of you is, there is still such a revealing message that you are good; you are not that bad person you and others may sometimes think of your identity.

It may happen when you play with other kids and you let yourself go so completely that you lose all of your adult features. Other times it is when you, bewildered and fascinated, look at a a beautiful sunset or dawn or listen to a fun, touching song. Furthermore when you free yourself of any constrictions, judgements and you just honestly live life through the eyes of a child. During yoga I often feel like my body is floating no matter how hard some poses can be. I get into a child pose and embrace the idea that goes behind it. I feel protected, without boundaries and like an open book.

It is fascinating, encouraging and lovely to think that inside of you, there is still the essence of a youngster who loves life and people in such a pure way.